Whatever it takes, I'll stop freaking out: on A R I Z O N A and finding comfort in Degrassi

This contains massive spoilers for Degrassi: The Next Generation... but it's all been out for several years by this point. You've been warned.

"I'm not that worried about it," I told a friend, sitting in a Taco Bell early in March. "We all just need to wash our hands more. Besides, it's not like it's going to spread to the US anyway. I'm not going to stop living my life."

That was a Sunday, and on Monday, I went to the office. On Tuesday, I went to the office again. I'd been working from home every Wednesday for over a year, and on Wednesday night, I went to a record store nearby to see a local act play an acoustic set.

I was home by 11, and while scrolling through my socials before bed, I saw that the virus had spread to my county. On Thursday morning, I was told to keep working from home for the rest of the week; it quickly became apparent that I'd be working from home for the foreseeable future.

Lately, right now, I feel like it's all over.

I spun my favorite records while I worked on Thursday, like A R I Z O N A's Asylum (how could something possibly be so sensual and so introspective at the same time?), but I couldn't help but freak out. Am I going to get sick? Will anyone in my family get sick? When will I be going back to the office? Can I go to the gym? What about that concert I'm supposed to go to next week, and the one that's the week after, and the one the week after that? Is it okay to go on a Tinder date? 

I'm a planner. I'm creative, but I like to plan things out and have a schedule. I don't like surprises, and I don't like uncertainty. And all of a sudden, everything felt very uncertain. When I went to bed Thursday night, my mind was racing, thinking of all the things I didn't know the answer to, all the things I couldn't know the answer to. I couldn't sleep.

Some days, I get scared to be alone.

I woke up that Friday tired and still anxious from the night before – like a hangover, but instead of the aftereffects of alcohol, it was an overabundance of nerves that still had me reeling. I found enjoyment in new music – a few truly great records came out that day – but I was still scared. I was scared of seeing anyone, and I was scared of not having anyone with me. Would it have been better if I had a boyfriend or a husband, or even a roommate, by my side? I had a job, but what about my entire social life? What if I got sick, and it got worse before I even realized it? What if, what if, what IF?

I wanted to go to a movie; I wanted to go to concerts; I wanted to go to vegan restaurant meetups with a dozen other vegans; I wanted to do grassroots vegan outreach in a busy downtown street. Some of that wasn't possible, and none of it felt safe.

I, I scream and shout, and I can't help it.

I wanted to feel safe, even for a few hours, and there's nothing that'll make you feel safe like watching a movie or TV show you've seen enough times that you can recite it from memory. For me, that's Degrassi Goes Hollywood.

Have you ever watched Degrassi Goes Hollywood? It's one of my favorite movies (TV movies?) of all-time because while the entire thing is absurd, it also brings me an incredible amount of joy. Paige's character development goes entirely out the window, as a taste of stardom turns her into a catty, conniving mean girl, just like her younger self except she messes up in a much more public way this time. Ellie follows Marco along to Los Angeles to see Paige, someone she's never liked (seriously, why did she even do this? She could've gone elsewhere – somewhere she didn't have to see an old nemesis – if she just needed to get out of town). Manny, at the whim of her controlling boyfriend (doesn't she have a backbone by now, or at least a taste for decent men? Did she not learn anything from her breakup with Craig?), bombs her audition for the movie. Ellie runs into Craig while on a trip to the Canadian Store (because that totally exists), we get this random cameo from Pete Wentz and Cassadee Pope, and then – after finding out that Craig has a girlfriend – Ellie and Craig kiss. Look, I know now that Craig is actually the worst, but what can I say? When I watched this for the first time as a seventeen-year-old, Craig and Ellie were my Degrassi OTP, so seeing that happen – briefly – felt like my own fantasies might come true.

I'm losing my mind, oh yeah, I just can't take it, no.

I think I underestimated just how much comfort that Degrassi Goes Hollywood re-watch would bring me. I'd seen it probably a dozen times, and I can recite most of it – even the "Life is a show…" song, and all of Trixie's lines on set – with my eyes closed. It's almost as if the whole thing is not canon: so many characters seem like a caricature of their Seasons 1-5 selves, and so many plots come from nowhere and aren't referenced again. The entire thing is absurd, but there's something incredibly endearing to me about its absurdity. For (a little less than) two hours, I was so focused on this barely-believable-yet-highly-entertaining film that I wasn't worried about the real world or any of my own problems. For that time, I was able to stop freaking out.

With no social plans on the calendar, no shows to go to, no animal rights activism coming up, and no freelance work lined up, I was full of free time. If things weren't going to be changing anytime soon, I would be in serious need of comfort – and if Degrassi Goes Hollywood brought me so much comfort, I might as well watch the whole series over again.

And I'm a mess right now, and I'm just freaking out.

I started my Degrassi: The Next Generation and Next Class marathon in mid-March. I watched Season 2 first, and then went back to the beginning.

"There is no way that I'll get through this entire series while we're in quarantine," I told myself, and my Twitter followers. The Next Generation has 387 episodes, and Next Class has 40; that's around 200 hours of Degrassi, and even if I watched a few hours a day… well, that's a lot of TV to get through. "I bet I'll make it another season or two, then lockdowns will end, and we'll be back to normal." And when we were back to normal, I'd be too busy with real life to watch so much TV.

As I progressed through the show, and Ashley took ecstasy, and Craig's dad died, and Manny wore that thong, the outside world didn't seem to change much. I was still working from home. The gym was still closed. Concerts still weren't happening. And we still didn't have any answers for when it would be safe to do any of that again.

It's killing me, I'm burning up inside, woah.

Anxiety came, and it went, and it comes, and it goes. I've had some moments of zen – like, "okay, this is terrible, but I know exactly what I need to do to lessen my chances of getting sick, so there's nothing to worry about" – and most days, I'm okay. But I've dealt with headaches, worse than I ever had, which might be stress, or the rain, or a too-tight ponytail, or the fact that I was wearing the wrong contact prescription for months. And sometimes the anxiety hits; rarely a full-blown panic attack these days, more so a slow build until suddenly I'm trying to answer an email, but I can't breathe as deeply as I usually do, and I can't think about anything besides the thoughts screaming in my brain.

But then I'd turn to Degrassi, and I didn't have to worry. I knew that Liberty would fall apart after JT got stabbed, but eventually be happy in college. I knew that Spinner would fail Jimmy, let down Darcy, get cancer, get robbed at gunpoint, and get cheated on, but eventually find love and happiness. I knew that Eli and Clare would implode and explode and implode again and again, but ultimately care deeply for one another. I knew that Drew would make thoughtless decisions time and time again, even dating Becky after Adam dies, but that he was a good guy at heart who would eventually start to mature. I knew that Lola would come on as a bimbo and even date her friend's crush, but eventually have one of the show's best friendships with Yael. There's no mystery for me in Degrassi, no surprises at any of the plots, but getting to see it all unfold – getting to see my favorite characters, ones I've grown to feel close to over the past fifteen years, go through intense but familiar ups and downs – makes me feel like things are going to be okay, at least for 22 minutes at a time.

I'm seeing sounds, I'm freaking out.

I finished my Degrassi series re-watch in mid-June, three months after starting it. Some restrictions are loosening, but many aren't, and I still don't feel as safe as I did three and a half months ago, before this all became such an apparent emergency. This wasn't my first time watching the entire series, and it probably won't be my last, but this re-watch felt significant in how much it helped me not freak out so much. Degrassi is my comfort food, calming me down in its familiarity and reminding me that whatever it takes, I know I can make it through.